TLDR; The cycle of motherhood for me so far battling with my already existing PTSD.
On January 17 a tiny star burst fourth from twixt my cosmic loins! Ahaha that is the most artistic way I can say that my little Bean was born.
It’s been a tough month and we’re still moving forward. I was planning to stay on break with a slow ramp up midyear but finances would not permit. My baby child came early,thus spoiling my work timeline a bit. Three weeks early actually! In retrospect it’s better my little Bean get to know each other sooner.
I did so much research on being healthy while pregnant that I didn’t look up anything on parenting! I thought that I could work while Bean slept. I thought that the sporadic sleep schedule would be the hard part. What really has happened though is I developed post partum anxiety. They were so small and soft that I was afraid they’d die at any moment. It didn’t help that Bean was born early,weighed only 6.1 pounds and was chill to the point of surprising people by not screaming their head off.
What pushed me over into PPD/A was how everyone was hovering around telling me how to care for a newborn. I broke down in tears because even though I was trying to follow what nurses said I was “failing”. Because they were born technically premature there was so many check-ups over the month. I know how morbid it sounds but I was overjoyed when 30 days had passed.
Right now we’re taking it day by day,learning to sync our personalities. It’s going to take more time and be more challenging that I expected. I just love Bean so much of course so I’m trying to give myself a little more slack on getting work done slower.